It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Life. Anxiety. Depression. Trying to participate in life. Trying. My depression is relentless. It doesn’t take time off, it doesn’t lighten up, it doesn’t do anything other than apply continual pressure. My meds have been switched around so much I have no idea what pill is doing what anymore. No idea which pill causes one of the many ugly side-effects. My anxiety attacks are coming farther apart now, but when they hit, they hit hard. No warning, no easing into it, just like suddenly slamming into a brick wall. There is no signal, no warning, no time to practice breathing exercises. Just full on gut wrenching paralyzing anxiety. Is that better than medium size attacks almost daily like they used to be? I don’t know. Guess that depends on your opinion of them.
We have corrected the meds to fix my memory loss issues I was having. I didn’t get back what I lost, but I’m not loosing much now so I’ll take it. Flashbacks are rare now too. So I’ll happily accept both of those positives. Now if we could just fix the “I can’t seem to get anything done” depression, or at least get me half way there, I’d be grateful. I’m going backwards into a sit around and do nothing all day without even really being aware of it. Some would say sitting around all day staring at TV would be a wonderful life. I’m here to tell you, it’s not. It. Is. Not. This could be the third summer in a row given up to depression, and I don’t like that scenario, but we’ll see how it goes over the next few weeks I guess. Another med change is going to happen this week, so maybe……..
Last year at this time two people died who I was close to. (I wrote about them both previously) and now a year later I find I miss them as much now as I did then. I haven’t had much closure. I can’t find it, can’t connect with it. So I’m stuck in the area of time when they died, and I miss them both. Every day. Not one single day passes I don’t think about both of them. I’m sure it’s not healthy, yet just another wrestling match in my head, and my head will let me know when I can move on. I hope.
Now a dark note; last night while I slept my mind showed it’s teeth. Big, sharp, pointy, pearly whites. It’s not uncommon for me to have some sort of nightmare, but usually there’s some part of it that makes me realize it’s not real. Last night’s nightmare was not only entirely possible, but I recall every inch of it now too, and in fact, can’t seem to forget it.
I was sitting on my motorcycle at a house across the street from where I lived, waiting for somebody. Suddenly somebody from behind me wrapped my head in a pillow case, pulled me off my bike and dragged me into a garage. In the garage several other people got involved, and at that point they tied me up; bound and gagged. And helpless. Then the group of them, all at once attacked me, beat me, and raped me. I fought like hell and made noise when I could, but there was too many off them and I was just too tied up. This abuse lasted all night in the dream, at which point they put my in a truck or van, and drove me out far to the middle of nowhere and left me for dead. (It goes without say they stole my bike too). I managed to get the pillow case off my head and just before the bright morning sun blinded me I could see a row of large electrical towers, then I started spitting up blood, and at that point I woke up. I woke up shaking, freezing cold, and wrapped in my blanket. I felt too cold to burn, but I was sweating too. It took me a few minutes to clear my head and get a grip, and once I did I didn’t bother going back to sleep. That was enough for me.
My mind showed me its teeth last night, and it was gruesome. Point taken, and it’d be just fine with me not to nightmare that type of thing again. At any rate, that’s it for today, thanks for reading.