One way road. Pt 12

So my brain and its memories and feelings were 20 years behind me, circling the drain, again. I began have sporadic anxiety attacks, sporadic episodes where I was becoming increasingly afraid to leave me house, random catastrophic thoughts, feelings of deep sadness, doom, gloom, loneliness and was losing motivation fast. I was sliding back down the hill, into the pits of hell.

The only difference from before though, was I didn’t just collapse in a chair at home, rather I paced around the house nervously, and was very fidgety. I was not the sleeping zombie again. I was very much aware of what was happening to me, and I would explain it in detail to my wife daily. But we had no idea what the cause was. Extreme depression and anxiety returning? Medication? Incorrect medication? We didn’t know. But things in my head were going terribly wrong again. And again we were pretty much helpless.

We were ordering books and reading internet info like we were junkies trying to come up with some thing to try to tell a doctor to get us some help. The doctor just kept telling me to try to work through it. Much, much easier said than done. I couldn’t concentrate or focus, couldn’t make one solid coherent thought, and was beginning to have short term memory loss as well. Which meant, if I put some item away somewhere in the house, I had no idea where to find it later. If my wife and I were talking, I’d get 3 or 4 sentences into saying something and then completely forget what we were talking about, what my point was, and where my sentence was going. Big fun.

My wife began showing me photos of me at different functions, and for the life of me I could not remember being at that particular event. It was like looking at a photo of a strangers life.

I should point out, these memory issues didn’t happen every time we talked, or with every picture she showed me. They were increasing in frequency though, getting more prevalent and worse.

Then while trying to deal with that, I started “cycling”, which means my brain would cycle through several different moods at one time and pretty much made me an emotional wreck. I never knew when a cycle was going to happen, but it could be pretty rough if I was out somewhere trying to do something or be social.

My brain was still working on “betraying” me, taking me down a one way road, that seemed like it might end abrupt, and we still weren’t done…