NewYear

The “Holidays”. Thanksgiving to New Year, in my dim-lit mind. Actually New Year for me is the signal that the “holidays” are over and I can get back to plodding through life. I’m not even sure why the holidays feel so heavy. It was a time of excitement when I was a kid.

I think for me it all went south when I was in my 20s and it seems I never recovered. I also think it had alot to do with being married and my inability to adapt to sharing the time with another family, and really struggling to get a grip on how, when, and with whom they celebrated. And the additional stress brought by my spouse as her holiday stress went through the roof.

I think those are 2 very “broad stroke” descriptions of the wheels falling off my positive feelings for holidays. And as I mentioned I don’t feel I ever recovered and at this point I wonder if I ever will. My birthday is Christmas Eve, and that gets lost in the overwhelming roar of “you have to come visit us for Christmas!” too. All factors, and probably some others just sort of force a mental shutdown. I keep my head down, and just plow through the holidays and my birthday, and News Years Eve is when I’m allowed to exhale. (who else runs around on their own birthday visiting other people?)

Christmas music ramps up my depression 10 fold. Sometimes in a store a particular song comes on overhead and I panic, while desperately searching for the exit. Some music conjours up such overwhelming feelings of depression I question my ability to even function…I have not figured out the root of this yet, but I’m trying.

The holidays are hard on some folks for a variety of reasons. Some I understand, some I don’t. I wish I could fully understand my own shit, so I might enjoy the holiday time like so many others. Until then, it’s just a dark, depressing, lonely time of year. Exactly the opposite of what it’s supposed to be.

Have I mentioned how much I hate being asked if I ready for Christmas?

“Fuck no. I haven’t been ready for Christmas in 30 years.”

Jesus.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Doug-