Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas WordPress-nation. I hope you had the kind of day yesterday that you wanted to. Hopefully the New Year brings you what you want and/or need.

Doug

Ho-Ho-Hopeless…

The “Holidays”. Thanksgiving to New Year, in my dim-lit mind. Actually New Year for me is the signal that the “holidays” are over and I can get back to plodding through life. I’m not even sure why the holidays feel so heavy. It was a time of excitement when I was a kid.

I think for me it all went south when I was in my 20s and it seems I never recovered. I also think it had alot to do with being married and my inability to adapt to sharing the time with another family, and really struggling to get a grip on how, when, and with whom they celebrated. And the additional stress brought by my spouse as her holiday stress went through the roof.

I think those are 2 very “broad stroke” descriptions of the wheels falling off my positive feelings for holidays. And as I mentioned I don’t feel I ever recovered and at this point I wonder if I ever will. My birthday is Christmas Eve, and that gets lost in the overwhelming roar of “you have to come visit us for Christmas!” too. All factors, and probably some others just sort of force a mental shutdown. I keep my head down, and just plow through the holidays and my birthday, and News Years Eve is when I’m allowed to exhale. (who else runs around on their own birthday visiting other people?)

Christmas music ramps up my depression 10 fold. Sometimes in a store a particular song comes on overhead and I panic, while desperately searching for the exit. Some music conjours up such overwhelming feelings of depression I question my ability to even function…I have not figured out the root of this yet, but I’m trying.

The holidays are hard on some folks for a variety of reasons. Some I understand, some I don’t. I wish I could fully understand my own shit, so I might enjoy the holiday time like so many others. Until then, it’s just a dark, depressing, lonely time of year. Exactly the opposite of what it’s supposed to be.

Have I mentioned how much I hate being asked if I ready for Christmas?

“Fuck no. I haven’t been ready for Christmas in 30 years.”

Jesus.

Until next time. Thank you for reading. Doug-

Don’t take personal attacks personally

Of all the ill feelings that depression causes, it seems being someones second choice hurts the same as being a last choice. It makes you want to yell, scream, and fight for your spot, and at the same time, you feel like just turning around and walking the other way. Should I stay, or should I go?

Is it a “hurdle” to be overcome, or a sign that it’s time to stop jumping? Maybe more importantly, is it really an issue or does the sick mind make it feel as such? After all this illness tends to make you feel “less than” pretty much on a daily basis anyway. So being stepped over itself becomes something to work on, (like so many other things) but the hurt gets in the way.

A counselor once told me, and I try hard to remember and practice; “don’t take personal attacks personally”. Because they’re never really about you. It’s somebody else’s issue that’s just being thrown at you. This is very hard to do when your mental illness itself “blames” you for everything anyway. Like any other exercise, practice makes better.

Practice makes better. It’s a fine line between just being stepped on or taken advantage of, and simply letting go because its not really about you. Finding the spot to make a healthy boundary so you’re not someone’s “doormat” is the trick. As well as making sure you’re doing it for the right reason(s).

Maybe it’s as simple as seeing ones true colors, and just learning how to live with/without them. After all they are allowed to make their own choices, but they should also be allowed to deal with the consequences of those choices….

Until next time,

Doug.

All kinds of lost.

My new semester at school just started 4 days ago and already we’re off to a rocky start…

My first semester at school went well, I had both campus and online classes, and I did well in all the classes. Then the semester after that, when my depression and anxiety began spiraling out of control, I had trouble getting to the school and getting the work done, so my grades suffered, a lot. I actually failed two of the four classes. Then the semester after that one I took all online classes so I wouldn’t have to leave my house, and that helped. I managed to get enough focus and work done that I got all my grades back up. Back up to respectable passing status, with no failures.

I missed the deadline this year to get in on the Summer semester, so I took the summer off and signed up for the Fall semester. Again, all online classes so I can just concentrate on the classes.

The semester started just 4 days ago and what little work I have managed to do has received some bad grades. I don’t know whether it’s because I had the summer off, or is it more fallout from the depression and/or meds. Logically I know what I’m supposed to do, and I should feel excited about school, but instead I feel nothing. I don’t feel any connection to school work, or what I’m trying to do. I can’t seem to get organized, can’t focus or even sit still to do any of the readings needed for the various assignments. And when I try to outline my work or prioritize it to do one by one, all I see, all I feel, is a mountain of confusion, and aggravation.

I can’t get my thought organized to write the few papers I need, and I’m even having trouble using the computer like I need to for the online work. It’s like I lost all of my “tape” in my head on how to be a student. Its all brand new and overwhelming again. I’m one semester away from my very first college degree, and I’ve lost the wiring in my head I need to get the job done. It might as well be my very first day of school. It’s not a good time for my brain to fail me.

I can’t drop out now, I won’t drop out now, but there has to be a way to get my brain back engaged in the student line of thinking. A way to get the focus, motivation, organization, and ability back to get the stuff done.

I really hope it’s just being out of mental shape due to the summer break, but I fear I’ve become all kinds of lost. Again.

Going forward, in reverse….

Recently I entered school, for some higher education, and the hope for a career instead of a job. The reason this is significant, is because I graduated high school 29 years ago, and am just now getting around to the college thing. There were things I didn’t know back then, and choices I made which took me in another direction, but it wasn’t what I had pictured for myself. At any rate, here I am now. Its interesting how thing happen, sometimes we know why, other times no idea, but either way we do our best to roll with it.

So January I left me full time job to plunge headfirst into college, But between quitting one and starting another I was bogged way down by paperwork and “red tape”. So I missed the Jan start date, and need to wait until the next semester, which was middle of May. As mid May approached I was still bogged down by paperwork and red tape, and thought for sure I’d need to wait for July to start. But then suddenly, 3 days before the May semester was too start, I got the paperwork straightened out, took the entrance exams and managed to get into two classes on the start date of May 13. 5 months of work came together in less than 5 days, and all of a sudden I was one of many students sitting in Sociology class. Then started my Political Science class the next day.

I have no idea why it worked out like this, at least not yet, and I may never know, but now, anyway, I’m a student. I was a little nervous to start but more excited really, and the initial workload kind of overwhelmed me. (I learned fast its more work, than working was), but I did pick it up pretty quick, get some routine going, and have been able to stay up to speed with the instructor.

I’m a student now. An (older) student. LOL. But I did see several others on the student geezer enrollment. Overall its an odd feeling, there’s some pride in it, as well as fear.

Just before this year started my wife and I agreed to blow up “comfortable”, and go after some better living. And so far, we’re doing good; the comfort zone has been blown to hell, there’s often times we feel as if hanging by a thread.

Ultimately, I believe its better to try and live your own life, chase the dreams, work on them, towards them, Persist. No excuses to not do something. I do deserve it. And I will earn it. TIme’s going to pass by anyway, so might as well be getting something done during it.

So whats the one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but you keep telling yourself “no” to?