Standing on the backs of the bruised.

And we don’t shoot the wounded.

There’s plenty of folks have it worse than us, if we’re to be honest, and for as bad as we may feel. Some have it better, many have it worse. The one’s who are worse, at times can benefit from our help. And when I say help, I certainly don’t mean clinical solutions, or even solid answers.

I’m talking about simply listening, because we’ve learned the value of being able to talk freely, without being judged, without having solutions thrown at us, without being belittled or ridiculed. We don’t shoot the wounded. Because we’ve been there. Because we are there.

For all we’ve been through, on our own journey of pain and suffering, it might be because in the end we can handle it, we can carry it, we can get better, and maybe, just maybe we’re an example another person can use on their own journey.

We may find in trying to help others, we help our selves in the process. We get out of our own way long enough for our own healing to take place. We help, listen to, and support others. Because we have the unique opportunity to do so based from our own experiences.

We don’t stand on the backs of the bruised. We don’t shoot the wounded.

We try to help somehow. Because we may be the only one’s who do.

Don’t take personal attacks personally

Of all the ill feelings that depression causes, it seems being someones second choice hurts the same as being a last choice. It makes you want to yell, scream, and fight for your spot, and at the same time, you feel like just turning around and walking the other way. Should I stay, or should I go?

Is it a “hurdle” to be overcome, or a sign that it’s time to stop jumping? Maybe more importantly, is it really an issue or does the sick mind make it feel as such? After all this illness tends to make you feel “less than” pretty much on a daily basis anyway. So being stepped over itself becomes something to work on, (like so many other things) but the hurt gets in the way.

A counselor once told me, and I try hard to remember and practice; “don’t take personal attacks personally”. Because they’re never really about you. It’s somebody else’s issue that’s just being thrown at you. This is very hard to do when your mental illness itself “blames” you for everything anyway. Like any other exercise, practice makes better.

Practice makes better. It’s a fine line between just being stepped on or taken advantage of, and simply letting go because its not really about you. Finding the spot to make a healthy boundary so you’re not someone’s “doormat” is the trick. As well as making sure you’re doing it for the right reason(s).

Maybe it’s as simple as seeing ones true colors, and just learning how to live with/without them. After all they are allowed to make their own choices, but they should also be allowed to deal with the consequences of those choices….

Until next time,

Doug.

Riding, reading, writing, playing.

I see and hear many folks saying exercise is a great way to fight depression, anxiety, and fatigue. As with any type of solution, one size does not fit all. Exercise doesn’t work for me. Days when it’s a monumental challenge to get out of bed (and possibly even get dressed) often leaving me feeling completely wiped out. Getting up and out to do, something, is often out of the question. If I can force some sort of physical activity, I feel as awful as I did before I started. So that solution is not for me.

However I started thinking maybe I could exercise my mind, my soul, my heart, my insides. My first choice is always riding my motorcycle, but that requires physical effort as well, and sometimes I just can’t manage. Motorcycling does not lend itself to mental and physical struggles. You need to show up, in full. Then there’s the weather. Here where I live winter is full on, so riding is months away anyway.

So riding is always the first choice. Started thinking of back up, not very physical, but mental exercise solutions. 3 in fact, after motorcycling. Reading. Writing. Playing.

I have some books on these mental issues I have, plus some motorcycling books. Reading is often a challenge for me now too, but I can manage short bits at a time. Writing isn’t too hard, but making thoughts comprehensible enough to print, can be tricky, but still it’s doable. And finally, playing. Playing my guitar. I just took it up and am trying to learn. Haven’t made any music yet, but I can make enough noise to chase my pets away for hours at a time. Lol!

So my tenative plan is to engage in one of those activities hopefully every day, for approximately an hour give or take. I’ll just go with it until I feel it’s time to stop for that day. If I feel up to it, I’ll do a combination of two. No hard lines, no rules, just trying to keep it simple. I have some books chosen. I dusted off my blog here for writing. And my guitar, (which I’m trying to think of a name for) is near by, so it doesn’t turn into “out of sight, out of mind”.

I hope you all having a good weekend and thanks for reading.

Doug.

Slander becomes the tool of the losers…

“When the debate has been lost, slander becomes the tool of the losers.”

(side notes) Several people, friends and family have accused me, outloud of using my illnesses for attention. Use my illness to paint me as the heavy who may violently snap at any moment and physically hurt others. And yes, even stated, to me, that I’m “faking” it. These are people who knew me long before my mind got sick. Long before.

That’s not much of a support system. That’s not any support system. People tend to show their true colors when the shit hits the fan, and I seem to have a terrific view.

I do not treat people like this when they’re struggling. Even people I tend to dislike. But more and more people show their hypocritical nature, and even a “meaness” that makes me question everyone. I don’t trust easily or quickly, and this is partially why.

Some of these less than fine folks have accused me of other unsightly behavior that just isn’t true. And I’m learning they need to paint me as such, because they have no other ammunition. Some people are just simply narcissistic and can’t function otherwise.

As usual, these people won’t sit and talk to me to work things out. They just perform “character assassination” of me to whomever they feel they need “on their side.”

Much of their ammo they take from this very blog. That makes it difficult for me to open up here, or anywhere nearby. I’m working on letting the people go, and not needing for my side to be heard. I certainly don’t deserve the verbal abuse I’ve suffered, nor all the dirt thrown behind my back, and slowly, systematically, I’m dropping these folks out of my life. I’m not going to chase anybody, or try to force them to like me. I’ve never been one to act as such. And I have enough to deal with now without massive negativity added externally.

This is me. My life. You don’t want to be part of it? Then don’t be.

If you’ve read this far again I say thank you. In my mind this was to be a much shorter piece. Until next time…

…Doug.

Inside out

I’ve been MIA a bit lately. My depression & PTSD keep me busy. My schoolwork keeps me busy. Both leave me feeling like wanting to talk less. My med reviews have been going ok and we’re still tweaking the arrangement, but overall I’m starting to have more good days than bad. Both types of days produce similar results; on a good day, I stay relatively busy, and often tire myself out to the point I don’t feel like talking, and the bad days are just days where nothing gets done including talking. Either way, I’m ending up saying less inside and out.

School takes alot of effort, and there was a time when it didn’t. I can’t concentrate on it now, can’t connect, get into it, focus on it, so that’s still something of a struggle. I am managing to keep up with my classes but each one takes alot of time; they seem to happen in slow motion now. They’re all online so I don’t have to go out to do them, but generating the at home motivation is a bigger problem than it used to be, but then again, motivation for most things is hard to come by some days.

I enjoy being able to go outside now and do stuff, though that’s fairly new to me, it feels like summer started just about 3 weeks ago, and it’s actually over now. I missed the whole thing, just like last year….

Anyway, today I felt like I should write something. I still don’t feel like myself, but like I said, more good days than bad. I spend about as much time inside as I do out, and that’s very new for me.

All kinds of lost.

My new semester at school just started 4 days ago and already we’re off to a rocky start…

My first semester at school went well, I had both campus and online classes, and I did well in all the classes. Then the semester after that, when my depression and anxiety began spiraling out of control, I had trouble getting to the school and getting the work done, so my grades suffered, a lot. I actually failed two of the four classes. Then the semester after that one I took all online classes so I wouldn’t have to leave my house, and that helped. I managed to get enough focus and work done that I got all my grades back up. Back up to respectable passing status, with no failures.

I missed the deadline this year to get in on the Summer semester, so I took the summer off and signed up for the Fall semester. Again, all online classes so I can just concentrate on the classes.

The semester started just 4 days ago and what little work I have managed to do has received some bad grades. I don’t know whether it’s because I had the summer off, or is it more fallout from the depression and/or meds. Logically I know what I’m supposed to do, and I should feel excited about school, but instead I feel nothing. I don’t feel any connection to school work, or what I’m trying to do. I can’t seem to get organized, can’t focus or even sit still to do any of the readings needed for the various assignments. And when I try to outline my work or prioritize it to do one by one, all I see, all I feel, is a mountain of confusion, and aggravation.

I can’t get my thought organized to write the few papers I need, and I’m even having trouble using the computer like I need to for the online work. It’s like I lost all of my “tape” in my head on how to be a student. Its all brand new and overwhelming again. I’m one semester away from my very first college degree, and I’ve lost the wiring in my head I need to get the job done. It might as well be my very first day of school. It’s not a good time for my brain to fail me.

I can’t drop out now, I won’t drop out now, but there has to be a way to get my brain back engaged in the student line of thinking. A way to get the focus, motivation, organization, and ability back to get the stuff done.

I really hope it’s just being out of mental shape due to the summer break, but I fear I’ve become all kinds of lost. Again.

Pulled from the wreckage

The internet is a funny place. Its a useful tool for many things, but at the same time a source of pain for many. Sometimes causing more trouble than its worth it seems. For instance Blogs, and social media sites. We all know what we right instantly becomes public information, but since most of us know that, and some of us choose to open ourselves wide within it, do we really need people to come along and hold what we write against us? Do we really need the occasional accusation hurled in our direction? Its funny because most people read this small amount of detail about us, then they assume they have us all figured out, then they make accusations based on their sudden “infinite wisdom”. They don’t ask questions or try to learn more, they just read for a minute, then react based on those feelings, and those reactions tend to damage relationships.

For example, I Blog about my depression and my struggles with it. A lot of people Blog about this very same topic. Some people have it worse than I do, some have it better, but does that matter when we’re all fighting to survive? Let me try to explain my depression. I didn’t choose it, it chose me. If I had my way, I would just “snap out of it”. I fucking hate living with this and so does my family, but wishing for a magical snap is stupid and useless, and anybody who knows anything about depression knows its just not that simple.

I know I don’t have any problems. What I do have is a mind that wants to kill me. Daily. My mind spends all day, everyday, telling me I’m worthless, useless, pointless, in the way, a burden to everybody, a mistake, a loser, a failure, and a monster. To name but a few. Now, who in their right fucking mind would choose to live this way? If I could make it stop by snapping my fingers, I would have done so two years ago when it started. This has cost me a good job, almost wiped out my school, almost wiped out my marriage more than once, even almost cost me my life. Does this sound like an attention seeking stunt? Does it sound like the “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”?

For those of us living like this, the very last thing we need is people minimizing how we feel. We do that just fine all by ourselves on a daily, non stop basis. So thanks for trying to run me into the ground, but I already got this. My illness does a far better job at it anyway.

We don’t need help feeling like shit. It comes very quickly as soon as our eyes open in the morning, if we’re lucky enough to sleep. Me for example, I go to bed every night about 10pm and wake up between 2 and 4 am every night and then I Stay up. I wake up and stay up because I have such violent nightmares that I become afraid to go back to sleep. Does that sound like a choice? 4 hours of sleep followed by violent night terrors sound like fun or a choice to anybody reading this? There are plenty of other ways I’d like to be spending my nights, and my days for that matter.

I’m not crazy. I have an illness. And I work on it everyday. Some of that work involves medicine, some is just talking. Some of it stems from some ugly shit in the past that has already left its mark and now its time to clean up. I didn’t choose this, it chose me. And the false thinking out there that we can just snap out of it, or that its just a bad day, kills more people and causes more hurt than most people realize. People don’t do this for fun. Its pretty fucking far from fun, and it wants to kill most of us. Live to fight another day is what its all about. Some days just keep breathing.

Myself, my family, are fighting daily to try and pull me from this wreckage, the best and only way we know how. Just like so many others with the very same illness.

The good and the bad.

Typically, the one way to be sure when things are going well with people is by their silence. Most people don’t call when there’s no problem. When somebody is just going about their merry little way, there’s no real incentive to let others know. Most people don’t follow up with their doctors either after the problem has been fixed. When was the last time you had an object repaired and called the place to let them know they fixed it, and fixed it well? Hence the saying, “no news is good news”. When people feel in control, on track, strong, and well, they don’t spend as much time searching for another human connection. I’m not sure of the answer, maybe people don’t like to feel like they’re bragging or gloating, after all both can be pretty pretentious, and both can turn people off. But more likely there’s some other reason that some Sociologists have no doubt been studying, but for the purpose of this Blog, I’m going to point the finger squarely at myself, and say as far as I’m concerned, when things go well, I’m so relieved to not be having a bad experience, that I like to take advantage of that by not talking about issues at all. Give everybody else a break from the gloom as well. And then there’s the thought that if they’re having a bad day themselves, flaunting your stuff in front of someone can come across just tasteless.

The ideal situation would be somewhere in the middle between not too low, and not too high, some sort of “even keel” that many people can maintain and many other can’t come close to. The word perspective comes to mind. “Several have it better, many more have it worse”. One must also be careful not to minimize their own feelings, issues, trials, accomplishments, etc. So what does all this have to do with my Blog?

Tonight’s page I was hoping I could write without going into the sad, lonely, darkness that is depression and anxiety. Most of my Blogs have been about the depressing side of depressing, because that’s where I’ve been living. Today I didn’t live there. Today I was a “regular” guy outside enjoying a summer Sunday. (I don’t say “normal” because “normal” is somebody else’s description of how people should be). Anyway, life did not suck today. And its been a long time since I could say that.

And I wasn’t going to Blog anything tonight because today didn’t suck, which got me wondering, why not Blog when life is even keel? Why not Blog when life is good? When life doesn’t suck. I started Blogging for two reasons; one was to get things off my chest permanently, and the other was to hopefully connect with just one person somehow so they knew they weren’t suffering alone, and that there is hope to be had. Since that’s the “mission statement”, then it stands to reason, the good should be posted as well as the bad. So someone can see it won’t always “feel like that”.

Today I went motorcycle riding for a few hours, almost non stop. Motorcycling used to be my church, and it’s slowly coming back to me now. “I’d rather be riding thinking about God, than sitting in church thinking about riding”. Today riding did for me what it used to do, that is, it blew all the ugly crap off me, blew out the cobwebs and the dirt, let the sunshine in. My only goal today when I got up was to ride. No matter how long or far or where, just go ride. I went out, rode all over, got sunburned, ate out at a restaurant, “mingled” with other people outside doing “things” and it was great. I don’t remember last time I felt as well as I did today, and it didn’t take any magic, just some action. Action I’ve been considering for months, but due to the illness have conveniently dodged many times.

I forgot all about how good adrenaline feels when its not associated with “fight or flight”. There was a while I felt like I just might be done being sick. (I know that’s unlikely yet), but I certainly did get some freedom today, as well as some happiness, new hope, renewed energy. A new wanting to fight the fight.

So this Blog is about taking the GOOD when we can along with the BAD when we have to.

I feel I should add, that having people behind me and supporting me makes a HUGE difference in my approach to all this. My primary motivation to get back on my bike came from friends, and I’m grateful they leaned on me. I’m grateful people take the time to hold me up when I can’t stand on my own, and push me to run when I finally start walking. Without them, (and I hope they know who they are), I’d be permanently lost out in the weeds.

Have a good night.

My mind is my enemy, so I need you on my side.

31 Secrets of People who live with Anxiety.

A friend of mine recently shared this on FB, and I thought it worthy of more sharing and hopefully some discussion somewhere…

Personally I experience many more of these than not, so I won’t list my top identifiers. I’ll just post them all and you can see how they apply to you.

By Melissa McGlensey from themighty.com;

Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in America, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. The condition affects 40 million adults in the United States. That’s 18 percent of the U.S. population. Despite this, people with anxiety disorders still live with a stigma often associated with invisible conditions. So we asked our readers with anxiety what they wished the world could understand about it. This is what they had to say:

1. “I do realize the things I worry about are ridiculous. Even though I’m aware, I can’t just stop it.” — Erika Strojny Myers

2. “I might look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.” — Diane Kim

3. “I don’t always know why I’m anxious.” — Teri-Marie Harrison

4. “It’s paralyzing.” — Marlene Pickering

5. “I don’t just ‘get nervous.’ Heck, half the time I’m not even nervous when I’m having a panic attack — I’m anxious. Sometimes it’s for no reason I can identify. When I’m anxious and nervous I recognize some of it is irrational, but I can’t just snap out of it. My mind and body aren’t cooperating with reason.” — Alex Wickham

6. “I’m not being ridiculous or dramatic.” — Melissa Kapuszcak

7. “We don’t need someone to look at us like we’re crazy. We need someone to be compassionate.” — Kristen Cunningham

8. “I don’t want to feel this way.” — Jenny Genoway

9. “After a hectic day, especially after being in crowds or dealing directly with multiple people, I have a ‘people hangover’ the next day. I need alone time to reboot from all the energy used. I have to rest and reset my mind. If I don’t, I will become bone-tired, overwhelmed and moody.” — Lisa Shuey

10. “It’s totally possible to have social anxiety and be a raging extrovert.” — May Daonna

11. “You can’t just stop worrying. There is no ‘on’ or ‘off’ switch.” — Kim Derrick-Bené

12. “Even though we look OK on the outside, our anxiety is wreaking havoc on our insides.” — Cynthia Adams McGrath

13.  “I’m being attacked by something I can’t escape from.” –  Sherri Paricio Bornhoft

14. “No matter how irrational I may sound, it’s real to me.” — Lorri Smith

15. “Saying, ‘you will be fine’ doesn’t help.” — Thea Baker

16. “It’s not a choice. You don’t choose to have anxiety. It chooses you.” — Patricia Lynn

17. “It’s sometimes so exhausting and distracting that I may be forgetful or unproductive, but it’s not me trying to be thoughtless, lazy or make excuses.” — Anna Powers

18. “It’s real. I’m not overreacting.” — Kimberly Warren

19. “Anxiety [is] an illness. You can’t just get over mental illness.” — Heather Morello

20. “Anxiety and worrying are not the same things.” — Amy Hrynyk

21. “Prayer doesn’t make it disappear.” — Kayla Gosse

22. “Just because I can’t explain the feelings causing my anxiety, doesn’t make them less valid.” — Lauren Elizabeth

23. “I’m not crazy.” — Peggy Hess

24. “All the logic in the world won’t keep my heart from hammering in my chest.” — Rebecca V Cowcill

25. “Even the simplest tasks can be overwhelming at times.” — Rhonda Bodfield

26. “It’s uncontrollable.” — Asia Pope

27. “Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean my fears aren’t real.” — Vicki Happ

28. “It feels as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You feel suffocated.” — Danielle Nicole Box

29. “I’m not doing it for attention.” — Georgia Tsaganis Johnson

30. “The smallest things can set me off. The more trapped I feel, the worse off I am. Personal space will always make me feel better.” — Manda Ree

31. “My mind is my enemy, so I need you on my side. Sometimes I even need you to fight alongside me.” — Erin Farmer-Perrine

(Personally I think the story should’ve started with number 31)

Thanks for reading.

Still looking for (the old) me. Pt 13

By this time my memory was pretty difficult to work with, just about to the point where we were going to put reminder sticky notes all over the house to help me remember the more common, frequent things. But we had some bigger problems brewing; I didn’t want to live here any more. My mind was convinced my wife had some sinister things going on, and it was trying to get me to make a preemptive strike by packing my stuff and leaving. Logically I knew this to be false and I knew leaving would be a huge mistake, but the irrational part of my mind, my growing paranoia and feelings, had me believing something else entirely and I couldn’t just sit here and wait for her to drop her bomb on me. For some reason I felt the need to get out of the way first.

The way we got through this tricky patch was by talking about it. A lot. Every day. Because everyday I felt this way. I’d spend the whole day thinking she was out to get me and I needed to leave. Then at night after work we would talk about it and I would feel ok. Until I woke up the next morning. This went on for weeks. I know how tiring it became for me, I can’t imagine what it was doing to my wife, and daughter. We even had to revisit some 20 year old arguments because in my head, they were happening right now. Now to me, these were all new problems and issues, I didn’t recall any of it. But my wife did, and hard as I try, I cannot understand how she kept her own sanity during this time. My out of control feelings were really running her through the mill. I even started giving her my permission to leave because I couldn’t imagine living with someone like me…

Another growing problem I had was anger. A lot of it. Almost constantly. I didn’t have a short fuse, I had no fuse. I didn’t break things or yell, because I knew that would just make it all worse, so instead I held it in, shut down, and wouldn’t even look at anybody. And off course give off the aura of anger, mentally leaning on people, creating additional strains. Again very tiring, and again no idea where it was coming from. Fortunately (?) the anger issue lasted less than two weeks, but I was still pretty twisted even after all that had past.

And again, doctors just kept saying wait for the meds to work, try to work through your issues, blah, blah, blah. We know me enough to know alot was wrong, but the doctors were having trouble hearing us for some reason.

Occasionally though we’d get these little peeks of myself, they would pop up for a very short time and go back away for weeks again. Just enough of a teaser to keep us interested in the process, though we did start discussing hospitalization thinking we might get some results faster that way, but ultimately let that idea go, and opted to continue here at home, as we had been. We were learning that constant communication was needed to help me keep grounded, help keep my mind in the present where it belonged.

At one point we visited a neurologist to see if he could help with the memory issues, which he couldn’t find any reason for, (big shocker there!) but he did mention it was odd the amount of medication I was on for the depression/anxiety. Shortly after, talking with a therapist, she made a med comment too. So my wife decided to research the meds again, more thoroughly and began finding that many of the side effects listed matched many of my symptoms. Then she found some only support groups that discussed meds, and found people on similar meds were having similar issues as we were.

SO the search for (the old) me was gathering momentum, again…